


Shoganai

by princessrinyuki



Category: NewS (Band)
Genre: Domestic, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, flangst, non-au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-09-24 14:17:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9755501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessrinyuki/pseuds/princessrinyuki
Summary: [The original meaning of shoganai is "it cannot be helped". However, it is not discouraging or despairing. It means to accept that something was out of your control.] As idols fall in love (especially with each other), there are many things that can be classified as "shoganai". KoyaTego drabble collection.





	1. Sex

**.Sex.**

  
Contrary to popular belief, sex with Tegoshi was a relatively quiet experience.

  
Koyama thought Tegoshi sometimes resembled a dog and sometimes a cat, but in sex he fell under the latter category. His movement was graceful and soundless; his moans seemingly dissolved into the thick air, making the sound of flesh pounding into flesh all the more audible as they echoed inside the walls of their house.

  
Usually, that would make Koyama unhappy. Certainly, part of it was because of his one-hundred percent extrovert character, but the larger part was due to this strange anxiety of never being good enough. Tegoshi had already given up on trying to understanding this, but apparently the brunet always felt a bit inadequate whenever he did not receive an extreme reaction from others around him, as if not being able to entertain people made him any less of a decent human (or in this case, a decent lover).

  
Koyama did, in fact, seriously consider that possibility the first time they made love to each other, but then Tegoshi closed his eyes as they reach climax and kissed him with the ferocity that made Koyama forgot both his worry and his name. When he woke up, it was three in the morning, and Tegoshi was never asleep. He laid his head on Koyama's arm, the palm of his hand rested lightly on his cheeks, thin lips curled upwards into a small smile, and clear eyes looking at him like he was the world. It was a sight so breathtaking that he forgot about his issue once more and dived in for another searing kiss.

  
It was weeks after getting into the relationship that Koyama felt his partner's quietness gradually grew on him. He decided that he liked this Tegoshi better. A Tegoshi that was lazy and relaxed, a Tegoshi that was comfortable spending hours on the sofa inside his house. A Tegoshi that loved him. Sometimes they made love in total darkness, and Koyama could hear Tegoshi's quiet chuckles mixed between uneven breaths, feel those fingers slipping through his hair and tracing the lines of his face. They made Koyama feel so loved his heart clenched. Even after all their time together, it still puzzled Koyama that he could actually had Tegoshi by his side as his lover.

  
Sex with Tegoshi was a relatively quiet experience, but it was the kind of quietness you felt when opening the door home. Tegoshi was shy in his own way, so he had his eyes closed during most of the process; but sometimes Koyama could still see those eyes looking at him with sparks inside them, glinting in the dark. And it was enough.

  
He allowed himself to believe that his sole existence was enough to make Tegoshi happy. 

 

 


	2. Champion

**.Champion.**

 

The first time Tegoshi read that Koyama thought of him whenever he heard of the word “champion” on WinkUp, he only laughed and made a face.

He didn’t tell Koyama that he still dreamed about it sometimes, his cowardice. He dreamed about a younger Tegoshi, tiny hands clenched into fists seeing the reflection of a cute young girl staring back at him in the mirror (she even dressed in that fluffy skirt his mother loved seeing on him). He dreamed about a fifteen years old Tegoshi, face paled with anger seeing the pervert who dared touch him escape to the crowd on the train home. He dreamed about the audience turning away even when he was still on stage, the distant looks from the members who were supposed to be his comrades.

But Koyama did not know that, not the past and not those dreams. 

He did not know about the days Tegoshi had lived before he reached out his hand for him to take. To him, Tegoshi of that time would always remained innocent. A boy who was naive, was struggling, but never damaged. A boy who was easily contented, smiled when patted on the head and tried to hug him whenever he could.

He did not know of a Tegoshi who talked to stuffed animals and went to the forest to look for Totoro. One who had the knowledge that he could take on five to seven in a fight from pure experience. One who was weak, troubled, and stood on the opposite side of the word “champion”.

It was not enough to make Tegoshi wanted to correct him, however. He did not hate himself, and he knew was not the boy he was in the past. But sometimes, the way Koyama looked at him like he was looking at the most unblemished existence on earth shattered him to a thousand pieces. 

Koyama could never figured out why Tegoshi was so touched upon having the brunet driving him home or agreed to join him in practice. A simple act of kindness, he would think it did not matter. Only Tegoshi knew how deep was the abyss he had been in before Koyama reached out that hand and saved him. He wanted to shout it all out for the other to hear. That he was not perfect, that “not perfect” was not just about the pranks or the bad habits he knew his lover never minded. He wanted to tell him things he knew would not make Koyama hate him, but would make him look at Tegoshi with less admire and taint his love with sympathy, which was all the worse. He also did not feel the need to actually discuss about it (or could not gather enough guts to, which proved his cowardice nonetheless). People only talked about things like that when they needed help did they not? And Tegoshi needed no help. 

Therefore, every time they met, the blond spent most of his time drinking, singing, laughing and kissing Koyama senseless. The older man loved him enough to make him forget even himself. He thought that was enough.

But deep inside, some very, very small part of him wanted even more than that. 

That some day, he would love Koyama enough to show him all of these scars.

And that afterward, after hearing everything,

His love would still think of him whenever he heard of the word Champion.


	3. Subtlety

**.Subtlety.**

To describe the relationship between Koyama and Tegoshi, many adjectives could be used. Intimate, romantic, passionate, gentle, sweet, abusive(!?), et cetera. However, to Shige (sensei) The Greatest Wordsmith, there would be only one word, one ridiculous word many would not even connect it with those two in a positive sentence: subtle.

No, certainly people would not use a word like _subtle_ to define a partnership which included public snogging, magazine displays of matching underwear or on-screen teasing and endless open flirtation.

Shige understood that, he himself was sick of the sparkling chick-flick his friends were playing. But the more he hated that facade, the more he believed his choice was rational. That was a charade so pompous, people would believe it just because it was harder to think anyone would bother to put up such a flashy veil.

And just like that, the deeper part of their intimacy easily went by unnoticed. The lingering look Tegoshi would give their leader when he looked away; the little squeeze Koyama would give his blond as he casually rested his hand on Tegoshi's shoulder. More than anything, these fine details intrigued Shige endless, both as a writer, as a friend, or as Shige himself with his observant nature.

And being observant as Shige was, he aso noticed that touch of desperation and hopelessness in each of those every details.

That no matter how intimate, how natural the air around them was, they still sometimes act as if they could go their separate ways in the very next moment.

"You are always thinking too much, Kato-san." Massu once told him so. _About things that should be left unthought of._ Shige read between those lines.

 

 "Look, I'm happy you finally got together with my best friend and all. But this is unhealthy."

Some days, Shige did want to follow Massu's advice and stop being nosy. But this was one of his other days. After all, they were half-drunk, sitting in a private corner of his favorite pub; Shige looking at Tegoshi and Tegoshi at the wall behind him. A perfect environment for a cliché conversation, he thought.

"Please, Shige-chan, you are the sensei here." Tegoshi laughed. "One would think you of all people would find my hopeless 14 years of love romantic."

Dramaqueen. Check.

"Don't tell me you think this is a game for him. That's insane even for yo-"

Misunderstandings. Check.

"I just thought he was rational. Like you. Or me. Or Massu even."

Shige was about to say something, but closed his mouth half-way and waited for his drunk friend to talk. Tegoshi's ridiculously big eyes had moved from the wall to the pure gold liquid on the table and rested there.

"You know, Shige-chan, many people might not agree with me, maybe even you won't, but I sincerely don't think anyone could die for love. People die for the lack of it, sure, but not for love. Romeo and Juliette is just a story. Even in marriages we say death will do us part. You may argue that people do die for the love of family, friends or that general thing called _the greater good_ , but it's not the same isn't it. That's not the love between me and him. The love for that bigger, more general thing is more like a dream. People can die for dreams, not for personal love like the kind between us."

Normally, Shige would automatically try to find counter-arguments in respond to that, but at that time, he did not.

He understood. Like Kei-chan and Tegoshi had, like Massu would if he ever heard of this. Because they were the same at least in this.

NEWS was their dream. A dream they deemed bigger than love, bigger than any of them four.

Between NEWS and love, it was crystal clear what Koyama and Tegoshi was trying to protect. And what they would be willing to sacrifice, to keep the other safe and sound.

"You are right, this is unhealthy. I love him too much." Tegoshi was laughing again, tilting his head back and looking out of the window. Maybe he was thinking about the brunet. "I love him so much I could go mad, but I'm not mad still."

Uncheck. Uncheck.

 

"Shige, even my sanity, I cannot give it up for him, let alone death."


End file.
